The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT