My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.