Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids