hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
get you a girl who
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored