Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
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Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]