I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once