I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling âWASH YOUR HANDS.â
Friend: I canât believe theyâre already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Always…
âYOLF!â
– immortals, probably
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, âYouâve been a great mommyâŚ.so far.â
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I would love to live a sober life but then Iâd be giving my MIL a reason to like meâŚ
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she wonât go to sleep she can at least nap, what Iâm saying is, donât mess with moms, we got game
when someone tells me love is in the air đˇ
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say âlook how long my hair is gettingâ
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our âsleeping situationâ tonight. Iâm never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money