what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
My wife gives the best headache.
dictator is short for richard potato
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.