‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.