This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
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[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.