I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
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😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”