caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
me irl
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.