twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
These are too funny not to post 😂
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)