KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
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Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.