Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.