A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
In banana years, I am bread.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The dark side of Canada
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Sounds like a bargain
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before