Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
True freaking story!
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.