If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside