My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
when you order from DoorDastardly
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
yeah 😭
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.