Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Every morning when I leave the house, I鈥檓 run over by the same kid on a bike.
It鈥檚 a vicious cycle.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she鈥檚 asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler鈥檚 anonymous?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Today鈥檚 weather from Yorkshire
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you鈥檙e probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it鈥檚 just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 馃槈
P: can’t. Kidnapped 馃檨
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Since I鈥檓 working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I鈥檒l delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.