Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.