Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
BaD BoY!!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.