It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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Bless you
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My birth announcement for our third baby
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
notice
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken