*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home