Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
the official breakfast of 2021
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
What a chick magnet..
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.