The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.