I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying