Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
You Might Also Like
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.