I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.