My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”