Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
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Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.