No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok