[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I was bored.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES