Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.