If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
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Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes