Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
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50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.