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As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.