[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
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Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date