We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.