Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.