I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Grandmother clock.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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