If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*limbos away from your hug*