Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Poetry is my passion
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible