The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L