Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?