Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
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Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE