On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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WHY?!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????