If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
You Might Also Like
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.