[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
You Might Also Like
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids