I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
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Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Okay I鈥檓 getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don鈥檛 hear back, the money changed me.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
bugs bunny: i鈥檓 asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of 蟺
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet